I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
