I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
