The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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