you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
