Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
