Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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