Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
