You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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