i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
