don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
