either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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