If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
