is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
