Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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