those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
