Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
