and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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