Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
