sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My ATM looks so different sober.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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