The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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