That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
