My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
