hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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