I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
