You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize