I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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