I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
