alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
