These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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