i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
