Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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