i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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