A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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