i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
