Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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