the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
