Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
