Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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