when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
