why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
