**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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