apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
