Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
