Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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