U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My penis needs a shock collar
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
