the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
