just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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