I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
