wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
