jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
