he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
