I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
