I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
