When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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