Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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