i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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