I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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