He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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