Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
