I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
